my heavy heart

it seems i always have to deal with relationships that aren't right.  its the story of my life. is it me?  the people around me aren't telling me its me, well, thats not totally true. my husband tells me to not care about it so much.  easier said than done.

as a christian i feel that if we can't maintain relationships despite our differences then we are failing.  because its all about love. right?

this is an open blog, so i'll just say that i've agonized over whether or not to even write the stuff i did last or this.  but i can't let it go without getting it out.  maybe my blog is kind of like talking to God and everyone else at the same time. confessing. hoping.

the issue with my daughter (in law) sarah's family. its so hard for me. especially when i know that it is gossiped about outside the family. (which is exactly what i'm doing here) ugh!

this is the hard part: this woman is the pastors wife.  back in the beginning of the kids marriage i said something that upset her. i apologized and she accepted.  now she keeps throwing that back up.  she has done this to my daughter julie also.  that is hard!

but when someone from outside the family confronts sarah and makes her cry because they are saying bad things about her husbands family, thats even harder.

i'm being portrayed as a domineering parent who forces herself into her childrens lives. 

sticks n stones and blah, blah, blah.

the hard part is that no one is calling her out on it. 
and its making me pull back a little. i feel like if no one is going to publicly & assertively stick up for me then maybe its true? maybe they are right. jeff is always saying i do too much for everyone.

crying.

but when i pull back, no one fills the void. 
its all just words with her.

christians dealing with other christians badly is not okay. especially when they are in a position of leadership in a church.

all i want is for my grandchildren to have no dysfunction in their families. i don't think thats too much to ask!

i don't want someone else's jealousy to cause us to change the way we relate to one another in my family.  we are a close family. we are an honest family. we are called to serve one another.

that being all said
its complicated

daughter julie and son in law ben live in an apartment owned by the church, so they have to attend
son jeff and daughter in law sarah are in deep because of family in the church

son ben and daughter in law meghan do not attend there
jeff and i do not attend there.

a month or so ago jeff and i decided that we would attend that church once a month since we will soon have 3 grandchildren there, and i wanted them to see us at church as a good example.

thats when all this started.  we are obviously not welcome at that church.  not even to visit.

i don't want my children there.

praying for that
praying for the pastor/dad to wake up and do the right thing
praying for the mom/mil to be convicted of the wrongness of her actions & words.

praying for myself  to refrain from anger in this situation (really hard- i came close to having words with someone in public a few days ago & the Lord put ethan in my arms to stop me)

praying that i can keep my lips silent.

again, thanks for listening.
i miss xanga
i felt more comfortable there

karen

family

i thought that this blog would be just about happy homemaking stuff. i had the xanga for the normal everyday goods and bads of life.  but now this is what i've got. so this is where i'm gonna unload.

in jan. 2010 my son married a wonderful girl.  i love my daughter in law with all of my heart and we have become close.

her mother hates me. she is jealous of our relationship and she has taken it out on her daughter.

when they married her mom abandoned her.  she called it "giving them space"  she didn't need space. she needed guidance still. she needed a mom.

for 3 1/2 years i have been there.  i have spent time. i have helped out. i have encouraged.

she has been distant, even though she lives very close by.

she didn't come to the hospital when her daughter gave birth to our grandson.
we were all there.

she has griped and whined about every holiday that she didn't get their total time and attention.
as if our son has no family.

recently it boiled over. she was totally ignoring her daughter.
my daughter in law would cry and wonder why.

all because of one word

JEALOUSY

now, to be fair, i am at fault here.

i love my family
i believe in being there for them always
in word and deed
i love spending time with them
i want everyone to love them
i want everyone to be there for them always
in word and deed
i want everyone to love spending time with them.

instead of being happy that her daughter is married to a man that has a family that is loving, caring, and involved,
she thinks we are too involved
because we include each other in things
because we try to help each other as much as we can
because we love to spend time together.

i'm frustrated by all of this
even more so because this woman is a pastors wife.
such a poor example.

it finally came to a boiling point recently. and my daughter in law and her mom spoke about all of these issues.
hopefully her heart will be changed.
hopefully she can accept the fact that its not about her.
or me.
i want her to be close to her daughter.
i want her to be close to our grandson.
i'm praying that this will happen.

i really needed to write this.

closed

i closed down my xanga site today.
i know it will just be a matter of adjusting for a few weeks and then this blog will feel like home.
there were so many people who couldn't understand leaving xanga altogether.
i guess those are the kind of people who like to keep a car for 20 years or more.
i kinda get tired of my car around the ten year mark and yearn for something new.
so if i only do that with blogs and cars i think i'll be okay

downeast maine has been a bit cloudy and a bit showery the past few days with highs in the low 70's.
today feels to be a bit more warm and humid, forecast is for sun/clouds/showers/80's.

my daughter in love, sarah, went for her first ultrasound yesterday and all is well. due date is 2nd half of february, but with ethan she was 2 weeks early.

that makes all three girls expecting at the same time.  just the thought of that is exhausting to me. but i am over the moon and ready to take on the challenge of being bubby to five bundles of joy!  i am as hands-on a grandma as i can be without actually moving in with them all!!! 

that means a lot of money on gas (thankfully they all live within a couple miles of each other and thats just 14 miles away) 

and a lot of time spent in the car (my best praise time is in the car ,by the way, listening to k-love radio)

and a lot of time cleaning (because i'm ocd and can't help myself, and they don't mind, so i've just decided to go with it)

honestly though, we are only 2 years new to this empty nest thing and i've got to find the time to devote more to my relationship with jeff (30 years and going strong)  or we stand to get lost in grandchildren the same way we lost ourselves in the kids while they were growing up.  definitely going to work on that!!!

*working through Hosea in my bible study.  really random, relevant stuff there!
*cooking-planning lots of yummy stuff for ethans party on saturday--i'll share when i do a birthday post
*crafting--taking a little break this week between doing for ethans party and starting for joeys 2nd and julie's baby shower.
*cleaning--with the weather flip flopping we were getting some ants in the house. especially during the real hot weather last week, so i deep cleaned the floor and cabinets and sprayed in a few spots. now they are gone.  ants are just a reminder to keep a cleaner house.

blessings from downeast maine!!!!

new start

no matter what xanga does, i will be totally cutting ties with it.  i've spent the last weeks reading through and deleting old posts, (saving ones i liked) deleting pictures, deleting groups, deleting everything.  i'll be making one last post soon and then i hope to be making at least a weekly post here and i will link it to my wordpress for those that have gone over there.  its going to be hard to keep track of everyone (except for the ones that i've connected with on facebook, which seems to be the best way to keep track of when people post) 

life is busy right now.  just had houseguests for a few days, so lots of get togethers and cooking and eating. 

ethans first birthday party is saturday and sarah and i are doing it together, so lots going on this week with shopping and more cooking!

soooo, i just wanted to do a quick post to say i haven't dropped out altogether, but it has been quite a job dismantling my xanga. i didn't want to save all the old posts, just wanted to start fresh, and i didn't want them taking it to wordpress, so i'll totally shut it down before they do.