A letter to my mom

I feel like I've let too much time pass without writing this.  I have heard that your eyesight is bad, so I know someone else will read this to you.

I've thought about calling you, but I can't put myself through all of that emotional upheaval again.  When we tried to work this out a few years ago, I came to see that it was all one sided.  When I stopped calling you--that was it.  I heard God's voice telling me to just let it be.

I just wanted to let you know that I think about you every day.  I pray for you every day too.  I'm sorry that Judy is gone.  I'm sorry that she hated me so much.  I'm sorry that no one ever understood why I moved away and I'm sorry that it felt like abandonment to you.

God called us here.  I'm sure of it.  Our future was waiting for us here.  Our future and our children's futures.  They are all happily married now to good Christian people; which is an answer to a lifetime of prayers.  And now we are in the midst of welcoming and helping to raise our grandchildren.  This summer we will have eight!  Seven grandsons and one granddaughter.  Each one is a blessing and I am honored to be a part of their lives.

It makes me sad that you are not part of this.  I know that my world is so foreign to you.  That's okay.

I am here if you ever decide to call and truly want to be a part of this.  If not, that is also okay.

God is guiding me and seeing me through.  I will always pray for you to find Him and the peace and joy that only He can give.

With love,

Your daughter,

Karen

Honor you mother and father

I don't have a relationship with my mother.  My father is gone now and I didn't have much of one with him either.  There has been no disrespect.  No fights.  No words.  Just different lives.  Different opinions.  One wants everything on their terms only.  And one doesn't.  One wants to live and let live. The other one doesn't.

There are some who say that by not having a relationship with them is breaking God's commandment to honor you parents.  I don't think it does, but I can't be totally sure.  I guess God will tell me someday.

In the meantime, I guess, I could go over the scriptures with a fine toothed comb and come up with a bunch of references that support my position.  The position that it's best for my emotional well being to be "disconnected".  That it's better for my spiritual well being to not have to compromise my faith in order to have a relationship.

Of course I could also find many references that support the cause of making amends, having a relationship, keeping the peace.  Even if it goes against all I really feel is best.

sigh...........I guess I will just wait on God to tell me Himself which way is right.

And in the meantime, I will have to rely on God's forgiveness.............I know He understands this complex human dilemma.

get out your bible and check up on that

it is a difficult thing when you have to make the decision to walk away from your family.  it is not something anyone does lightly.  in my case it was years in the coming.  one baby step at a time until one day i realized that i didn't want to keep rebuilding the bridges between our lives.

i my case it comes down to this:

i am a bible believing christian
i refuse to bow to the gods of this world
i refuse to think, act, or believe as they do

therefore:

i am wrong
i am the hypocrite
i am the "bad" one

i understand where they are coming from.

i really do.

i have compassion on them for their brokenness

i really do.

we all suffer brokenness at times, but the way to healing is not by demeaning others. it is by seeking the healing that Jesus offers.

to my family, and to the world in general

MY LIFE JUDGES THEM

i don't have to say a word. but the way i have lived and continue to live my life causes them to feel judged.

i'm a hater because i refuse to think , believe, or act as they do.

in their eyes i am not allowed to have the beliefs and convictions that i have.

then......

they throw the Bible at me.........satan's most favorite form of deceit!

**love the Lord God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength. deut. 6:5

EVERYTHING in my life flows out of this portion of scripture.

i try not to take it personally when i am attacked for who i am.

and who i am is

A CHILD OF GOD!

it is difficult to blame broken people who desperately try to affirm themselves when no one else will.

it is difficult to even defend yourself against those who try to use the Bible as a means to attack rather than a means to convict.

i feel it is God's will for my life to cut the ties.  however, i feel it is also God's desire that i continue to pray for their salvation.  Jesus came to pay the penalty for the sins of us ALL.  but it is up to us to accept the fact that we are sinners in need of a savior.

the bottom line is this:

i love God more than anything or anyone in this world.  and i could write volumes on how this can and does impact our lives and relationships.

so......

do i need to get out my Bible and check up on that?

the answer is YES!!

and i do so daily.

my thoughts on being a "cult leader"

i am a bible believing christian.
my parent(s) and siblings(except for one) and their families are unsaved, worldly people.

they refer to me as the "cult leader" because i raised my family different than they did theirs.

to my unsaved family members, our christian beliefs and worldview bothers them.  they have to defend their choices by trying to tear mine apart.

and they have plenty of company on that wide road that leads to destruction.

while i, on the other hand, have tried to lead my family to the narrow path that leads to life.
and here we will stay.  set apart.  living daily to try to please our Lord and Savior.

our goal in life is not to look like the rest of the world and to please them.  sorry.

i wasn't sure how i felt about the title "cult leader", so i looked up the definition of
cult:  devoted attachment to a person, principle.

hmmmm.  yeah, it fits.  i have a devoted attachment to Jesus Christ and the word of God.

i have fully accepted the responsibility given to me by God to teach and lead my children.
and now my work isn't done.  there is another generation that needs me to help lead them.
this is my work until God leads me home.

i am proud of my family.  i give God all of the praise and glory for every blessing we enjoy and for every lesson we have learned, and continue to learn.

i know what parenting without God's guidance looks like and feels like because that is how I grew up.
no child should ever have to navigate the perils of growing up on their own.
children are not an inconvenience of life that need to be managed.  they are gifts from God and should be loved and led back to Him.

"cult leader"
yup
i'm proud of that title
it tells me that my family does not look like all of the rest
and for that i am thankful

legacy and hope for the future

my father died on january 1st

this is the speech i gave at the prayer service

*I'm not grieving for the loss of my father.
I'm not sad that he is gone.
My father was a stranger to me.
And I was a stranger to him.
I decided early on to follow a different path.
I guess you could say that I longed for something I didn't have.
I took it all in and purposed to not make the mistakes with my precious family that my father had made with his.

I chose the narrow path that leads to life.
I decided to follow Jesus.
I gave Him my life, my  marriage, and my family.
It hasn't always been an easy road and I've made my share of mistakes along the way.
But I never lost my purpose and my focus.
What it has been is a road of peace and love and forgiveness, if not in my extended family, then for sure in my immediate family.
I have learned so much in this life, but it is a journey and I am not finished learning yet.

I don't want to speak negative words today.
The past is gone.
We have this moment.  Right now.
To make a decision that will not only transform your life, but the lives of those around you.
I've prayed for the salvation of my extended family members for so long. And I will never stop praying and hoping.

I've watched a brother die and not have an assurance that he heard our death bed pleas for him to give his heart to Jesus.

I've watched another brother come to accept the truth after a lifetime of searching for what was missing.  And I've also watched him not fully embrace all that is offered or required of him, until now.

I've watched other siblings struggle through life without direction.  Trying to fill the emptiness with everything else the world has to offer.  Just trying to find the validation of their worth, even if it meant demeaning anothers worth.

And now I watch the next generation go through the same struggles.
It makes me sad to think of their pain, but I know that Jesus is right here.
Waiting patiently for them.
My prayer and hope for all of my family is for them to realize that this is about eternity.
This is about forever.
Our time here is so short.
What a blessing it is when God allows you to get a taste of the peace and joy He has in store for us all.
It is possible.  It is our choice.
We can choose to acknowledge our need of a father.  A father who won't ever fail us.  A father who loves us unconditionally,  walks beside us each and every day of our lives, and has prepared a place for us, with Him, forever.

Just take His hand and let Him lead you.

As for my father, I may have had a sign.
A glimmer of hope in his forever story.
A week before he died I received a text  and this is what it said:
priest came in yesterday and dad had confession and communion.  He talked to the priest for a long time.  He has seemed more at peace since the visit.
As I read this text to Jeff, a music box sitting up on the shelf began to play.  The song was Oh Holy Night
Long lay the world, in sin and error, pining, till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

I have a hope that Jesus appeared to my father and that he ran into His arms