questions and prayers

i keep a notebook.  jeff would laugh at that statement because i have many, many notebooks and i'm always writing stuff down.

anyway....

i keep a notebook of prayers.  i write out my prayers at times.  it helps me to focus.  i have a hard time staying focused.

i wanted to share what i wrote in the last few days.  it is private, but needs to be public.  needs to be shared.

6/27/15
Father God,
my heart is grieving.  You led this country for so long.  at one time nearly everyone acknowledged that fact.  now.....this is what we have.  i am sad, but hopeful.  because i know whose hands i am held in.  i know who i belong to.  and it's not the gods of this world.  help me, Lord, to speak the truth.  to love.  to be a light in the world and not celebrate the dark.  thank you Lord.

6/28/15
Father,
i'm upset this morning.  it would be so easy to just disregard You and Your words and follow the rest of the world; be a part of the big party.  but what would i gain?  nothing.

following You Lord brings me peace and joy unspeakable.  it is a difficult road at times, filled with boulders and pitfalls. there are times that the world can make me feel wrong and defeated, and even other christians can make me feel wrong and defeated.

these are the words they banter around
"do not judge"  "do not be a stumbling block"  " just love"  "love your neighbor"

what do these things mean?

can i judge what is sin based on what i know is truth from scripture?
is my silence a stumbling block when i don't tell others the gospel message of sin-repentance-and forgiveness?
or is it a stumbling block when i do tell them?

love your neighbor.  love others.  love God.

i love You Lord with all of my heart, all of my soul, and all of my mind.
i see You God as a most loving parent.  You give me good things.  You teach me and mold me through your words and your Holy Spirit living inside me.  You remind me of my sins and my need to repent and be forgiven.  each day, each minute, i am reminded that i live to glorify You alone.

so if i am to reflect Your love, Lord to others, to the world, how does that look?
shouldn't it look the same as i described above?

the world and a big part of my christian brothers and sisters are promoting a love that i have not seen in scripture.  they are promoting a love that has no strings attached.  a love that doesn't lead anyone to the pathway of eternal life.

are we just supposed to tell the world that Your love is for everyone and Your grace is for us all and then leave it at that?  these are absolutely true statements, but is that where i'm supposed to stop?

am i not supposed to mention that the world needs a savior?  am i not supposed to tell them why we need a savior?  am i not supposed to mention  sin because that would be judging?  what constitutes sin?  do you decide or do we decide.  or do we let our earthly rulers decide it for us?

Lord, help me be strong enough and loving enough to speak the truth that the world needs to hear.
Heavenly Father please help me to not give my neighbors a false sense of eternal security.  help me to be able to disagree with others worldviews and not be angry.  help me to always remember that we are all made in Your image.  help me to remember that your adversary, satan, roams this earth seeking to destroy.  and it starts the moment we are conceived.  help me to lead my family alongside my husband to protect them and to humbly teach them Your ways only and to always lead them in the truth.
amen.

get out your bible and check up on that

it is a difficult thing when you have to make the decision to walk away from your family.  it is not something anyone does lightly.  in my case it was years in the coming.  one baby step at a time until one day i realized that i didn't want to keep rebuilding the bridges between our lives.

i my case it comes down to this:

i am a bible believing christian
i refuse to bow to the gods of this world
i refuse to think, act, or believe as they do

therefore:

i am wrong
i am the hypocrite
i am the "bad" one

i understand where they are coming from.

i really do.

i have compassion on them for their brokenness

i really do.

we all suffer brokenness at times, but the way to healing is not by demeaning others. it is by seeking the healing that Jesus offers.

to my family, and to the world in general

MY LIFE JUDGES THEM

i don't have to say a word. but the way i have lived and continue to live my life causes them to feel judged.

i'm a hater because i refuse to think , believe, or act as they do.

in their eyes i am not allowed to have the beliefs and convictions that i have.

then......

they throw the Bible at me.........satan's most favorite form of deceit!

**love the Lord God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength. deut. 6:5

EVERYTHING in my life flows out of this portion of scripture.

i try not to take it personally when i am attacked for who i am.

and who i am is

A CHILD OF GOD!

it is difficult to blame broken people who desperately try to affirm themselves when no one else will.

it is difficult to even defend yourself against those who try to use the Bible as a means to attack rather than a means to convict.

i feel it is God's will for my life to cut the ties.  however, i feel it is also God's desire that i continue to pray for their salvation.  Jesus came to pay the penalty for the sins of us ALL.  but it is up to us to accept the fact that we are sinners in need of a savior.

the bottom line is this:

i love God more than anything or anyone in this world.  and i could write volumes on how this can and does impact our lives and relationships.

so......

do i need to get out my Bible and check up on that?

the answer is YES!!

and i do so daily.

Day #19 detours

i've made a lot of mistakes in my life.

well, maybe not a lot,

but plenty enough.

however, becoming pregnant before i was legally married was not one of them.

call it a detour, change in plans, bump in the road, anything

just never call it a mistake.  never call it an accident.

i had sex on purpose!  because i was crazy in love with someone and it didn't matter to me that we didn't have a piece of paper issued by the government.

technicality.

I knew as soon as i was pregnant, but i delayed getting married because i didn't want to cover up something that i was so happy about.

i wasn't ashamed or scared.  i was happy!!!!   And i never once felt that it was something to hide or to confess, or to atone for.

i guess that's all i want to say.

i was going to go on about people judging (gee that comes up a lot)
and how the judgers better keep that closet full of skeletons locked up tight.
all those good christian woman who ran around wild in their younger days will stand around and gossip

instead of showing love and encouragement.
all worried about what others will think.  tsk, tsk.

***i wrote this as an encouragement.  and as a testimony.
btw we've been married almost 31 years & our son will be 31 in november!

Day #8 not being judgemental

not be judgemental?

is it even possible?

even when we think we are not.

we are.

i do it all the time.

i judge people by the car they drive:  crappy old clunker must be a welfare mom on her way to walmart.     brand new lexus must be a snooty rich lady on her way to get her nails done.

i judge people by what they are wearing (i'd hate to think what my attire speaks to others, ugh)

i judge people by what they do and what they don't do

i judge people by all sorts of standards.

i think its human nature to draw conclusions about people when you don't know much about them.

doesn't make it right and it's totally unproductive.

i personally have been working on it.

my being judgemental, that is.

when you stop to realize that everyone else is just like me. with a story.  good or bad or somewhere in between.

everybody comes from somewhere and everybody is going somewhere.

why are we here?

i've found that answer for myself.  isn't it my obligation to help someone else discover that answer?

and how can i do that if i don't get past the facades of life?

my first step on this journey?

prayer.

instead of my first reaction to someone being to judge them.  i pray for them.  i lift them up to God and ask for a blessing for them.

whether it's a coworker, or someone you pass in walmart regularly (that happens a lot here in maine!), or a stranger walking down the road.

pray for them.

it's like giving them a gift

and receiving one yourself