Expendable

 Expendable

That's how I feel a lot of the time.

I am a wife

I am a homemaker

I am a grandmother

I am needed

when i'm needed

I am considered

when i'm needed

I am thought of 

when i'm needed

I am included 

when i'm needed

I am useful

when i'm needed

I am a person that has no needs

or so it seems

be there

be available

take care

cover it

i am tired 

of being needed

i want my own life

totally of my design

do I dare?

design my own life

at this stage?

Empty Nest Brain Dump

 This morning I deactivated my facebook account.

The world

near and far

is becoming too much for me right now.

So I drank my cup of coffee, showered, and went outside for a walk.

Sat on the swing out back

Came back inside and made a picnic lunch for Jeff and I, 

Then went to church.

It's the real world that matters.  The one right here.  The one I can touch.  The one I can make a connection with and feel like it really matters.  

I've made a few really wonderful connections through the internet.  Friends for life even though we have never met in person.  I actually made those friends through blogging (xanga) but we all wound up on facebook.

That is the part that tugs at my heart.

After church Jeff and I went to a nearby beach with our chairs and our picnic lunch.  It was cloudy and not quite 70, but it was very relaxing.  We talked a lot.  We have a lot of conversations lately about me letting go of things.  Expectations mostly.  Trying to live my life for me, for us, and not for everyone else.  I guess I'm still having a really hard time switching gears between motherhood/full nest and grandmotherhood/empty nest.  How dang long should it take?  It's been 10 years!

I'm very thankful for all of my grandchildren (there's 12)  But I have to keep reminding myself that I am no longer the center of that world.  I'm on the periphery.  I'm a satellite and not planet mom.  

The sooner I accept that 

The happier I will be.  

what's going on?

i have come to the conclusion that if i'm going to make my blogs like others i read then i need to take more pictures.
and since all of the pictures i take are of my grandbabies, then my blog would only be about them!

so here is what's going on

home organizing and cleaning:  my winter clothes are in and summer ones are out!  some went to the rag bag!  i tend to wear the same things over and over and over again.  went through my bookshelf and weeded out a small stack for goodwill.  i need to get on a cleaning schedule now that i am home every day.  it would make it so i didn't have to think.

crafting:  i made a no sew fleece blanket for sophie in purple camo!

cooking:  apples, apples, apples!!!  i went apple picking 3 times and i think i picked about 100 lbs!

so far i've made a ton of applesauce, six pie fillings, and a few apple cakes.  i'm going to make a couple dozen jumbo apple muffins and a few more apple desserts to keep in the deep freeze.

outside:  cutting down trees, raking leaves, cleaning the garage, and winterizing the coop.  the garden cleaned up so easily this year with having the chickens right there to feed the spent plants to!  i've also been working on a new garden area.

we cut our own wood

charlie keeping warm first thing in the morning.  we have yet to turn on the furnace this season

family:  lots of birthday celebrations lately and family visits.  these boys all love getting together.  their favorite thing to do now is to play hide and seek (charlie calls it hide and sneak)

the television goes on when the grown ups need a break!

school:  cruising right along with prepping lesson plans for sarah to teach ethan.  I hear that calvin is paying lots of attention and learning lots too.  maybe they can be in the same grade at some point since they are only 18 months apart in age?  i've also started to put together a learning packet for charlie at his mom's request.  with winter on our doorstep it will be perfect learning time!

faith:  every morning i do bible writing.  i'm in isaiah 24 right now and its very interesting.  learning a lot.  also attend a bible study with a couple friends and we are studying Girls Gone Wise.  AND, i also do a bible study on facebook for me and the girls, right now its Conversation Peace. 

well, that's it from the wink!  

Whats going on?

Here is what is going on around these parts these days.....

Home:  I love it here!  I could stay here and never leave...unless I was going to get a grand boy or girl!
I worked on reorganizing the really big bookshelf in my craft room.  Jeff just built me an even bigger one this week!  It's going in the dining room.  I need more space to store books and toys I don't want the kids to have free reign with.  So I will be off loading my old bookshelf and organizing the new one as soon as he gets it in and anchored to the wall.

Cooking:  I'm trying to get back into making a menu, then shopping, then actually sticking with the plan!

So far in the last couple of weeks i have made a pumpkin pie and a dutch apple pie.  Both are totally gone!  The next pies I make will go into the freezer that is for sure.  I also made pumpkin butter in the crock pot and it came out really good.  I used pumpkin flesh that I had cooked last year, scooped out and stuck in the freezer.  I just took it out and let it drain really well and then pureed it in the food processor.

Garden:  I've slowly been pulling up spent plants and feeding them to the chickens.  This way the beds will gradually get cleaned out over the next few weeks.  The sun is moving much lower across the sky and my garden is half in the shade now.  I am going to build some new beds next year in other areas around the yard to take advantage of sunnier spots and the plan is to concentrate on a couple beds being veggies that can grow in the shade!  I cut all of my basil yesterday and its all ready for me to make pesto later on today.
I am now getting 2 eggs daily.  I'm hoping the other 7 start laying soon and continue through the winter months.  I'm already keeping a light on in the coop to make sure they get about 14 hours of light.

Work:  Well!  I gave my notice at my job and my last day will be the 14th of October.  I will only be working 1 day a week for the next couple of weeks, so essentially, I'm done.  It is sad, but also a big relief.  Things went downhill in the last few months and got to the point that they couldn't be fixed.  So the plan is for me to take off the next six months and then look for something else.  All I'm going to want is 1 day a week.  I'm thinking a craft store???

Family:  Everyone was over yesterday for lunch and haircuts.  Jeff is the barber of the family.  He did 7 haircuts yesterday.  He had a couple whiners and one all out crier.  But he got the job done!

Health:  I'm trying to walk again.  I have Achilles tendinitis and it is a nuisance!  I'm remembering to stretch before walking and to ice after.  I'm sticking to 30 minutes or less and it's mostly on the treadmill.  I've put notes up on the fridge to remind me to take my supplements:
I started taking cod liver oil + vitamin d in addition to a B-complex, and turmeric (golden paste)
The B-complex gives me more energy and the turmeric helps with my aches and pains (and mood too, I think)  The cod liver oil is supposed to help with lots of things, primarily immune.  We shall see.

Until next time!

What's going on?

Here's what's going on in my world this week!

We are headed toward fall.  The season of green leaves is so short in northern new england.  There are already touches of yellow and red here and there in the woods on the wink.  We will still have warm weather (well, warm for us) and some humid days, but the wild sprint through summer is almost over.
When the crickets start to sing, you know it.  The stores are full of autumn and I even bought a few things myself yesterday at the Christmas Tree Shop.

Home:  I have been plugging along on some organizational things.  Mostly still getting paperwork under control and streamlined.  With the cooler weather coming I am planning on painting the master bedroom, already bought the paint.  Then this winter we will think about replacing the 18 year old carpet with new carpet.  As I have gotten older allergies have gone away and Jeff says he prefers the carpet over wood.  So this decision will be his!  We are having house guests for the next week, so I am putting off starting my big photo organization project until after Labor Day.

Work:  Things have been much better with my client.  So many things have gotten under control and it is more like it used to be.  It was a wild ride for a few months there--I almost gave up and quit--I'm glad I didn't.  I'm getting used to working the four days (20 hr)  and I won't mind picking up a little more until winter comes.

Garden:  All I am picking so far is flowers (glads and zinnias)  and green beans.  There are a few summer squash growing, but I know next year I have to hand pollinate.  cucumbers, tomatoes and peppers had a late start, and then not enough rain, but I will still get some through the next month or so.  The cucs actually look really good right now.   Picking wild black raspberries by the handful up along the driveway.  This year there is a ton of them, but there is also a wasp nest near them so it's a bit sketchy to pick!

Family:  The littles are all growing up.....sniff, sniff.....and running around like crazy.  Their favorite thing right now is to race each other across the back lawn (and I was thinking of turning it into gardens)  oh well.  They also love to go on "bear hunts"  up the trail out back.  One of our favorite books is "Going on a Bear Hunt"  Little baby girl is so cute and so snuggly, and is becoming more independent.  Looking forward to the next grandchild coming in February.

Misc:  I just purchased Horizons Preschool curriculum (alpha & omega) for Ethan to work through this year.  I will continue to put together book packets (books and activities that go along) and his parents will make sure he touches all the bases he should.  I like the Charlotte Mason method of learning using good books.  This will be a good introduction to homeschooling for his mom and dad.  I didn't home school the very early grades with my kids, but I did use the Lifepacs from A&O and I really liked them.

well, there you go!  Have a great weekend!

what's going on?

I thought it was time to just do a daily life kind of blog post and not an opinion piece.  Although I love to voice my opinion!

So I'm going to try to break it down into categories if I can.

Home:  I've been trying to stay home as much as I can.  Home is my sanctuary.  The last few months my job has been very stressful and very overwhelming.  This may seen  funny to some people,  considering I only work part time (20 hours), but it's the type of work I do.
So we haven't been running around on the off days and we've mostly been staying put in the evenings.

Work:  Where do I start?  For the longest time I worked my 20 hours in 2 days.  In April it changed to 20 hours in 4 days.   Then circumstances arose that have made the last few months with my client very hard to deal with.  I'm hoping that we have peaked at the worst of it and that we are going to get calm again.  This week has been the first good week in months.  I would love to cut back to 10 hours a week, but I just don't see that happening right now because staffing needs are so great.

Garden:  I've identified another mistake I've been making since we moved here.  It could be contributing to my poor gardening skills:  I've been storing my shredded leaves under a couple of pine trees.  (palm to forehead)  Have I been screwing up the PH?  maybe.
Otherwise, I'm happier with the garden than I've been since I moved here and built it.  It has been a struggle to spend enough time out there.  I still don't, but I've spent more than normal and the results show.
 *We expanded one bed and built another one.  Now all of the available space in that area is used.
 *We have been collecting cardboard and lining the paths and putting down straw, so weeds are less.  * It has been a dry summer here in this part of Maine and I water each day, but I know it's not enough and I have even begun to water less because if the dryness continues I don't want my well to draw down.
 *We did plant a row of high bush blueberries & the raspberry row we planted last year gave us tons of pickings!
 *summer squash seems to be a bust again this year.  There are just not enough bees in the middle of the woods.  I've planted a lot more flowers, but it's not enough.  So I either have to be a bee keeper or pollinate the plants myself.  I don't see either one happening in the near future so I will just buy my squash from the farmer down the road.
 * I've grown some greens to feed the chickens, but I've been shopping the farmers market to feed me!

Family:  Our family is expanding!  Grand baby #7 will be coming along in February! Joe & Luke will be welcoming a new brother or sister.
  AND our daughter and son in law are buying a piece of land 2 miles from my house, on my road, and I am beyond happy about this!  I can walk there & back!!!  I can get skinny?????  hahaha, that won't happen because my daughter will feed me when I get there!

Anyway.....that is a little glimpse into my world.  Have a restful weekend!

traditions and change

holidays

we had our traditions  

when we were raising our family

sometimes we would be with extended family.  

sometimes it would be just us.  

then we moved to a place where we didn't have anyone but us. 

but we still celebrated holidays together. 

there were five, then four, then three.  now two.

and we are more flexible.  it's not that we don't have traditions, we just know that things change.

and we would rather create our own new traditions than take the leftovers of the day.

this time of life when you have to share your family with others,

 you never get used to it. 

happy thanksgiving!

  

empty nest vs full life

there are moments when i really feel..... or realize....... or deeply think about the fact that my kids are grown and moved out and have their own homes and families.

it is a weird feeling.  i've got to say that it will probably take me decades to shake this feeling.  maybe i never will?

i miss having them here under the same roof and i miss all of the things we used to do together.

........and then again,

i like this quiet time.

i can do what I want!

but the reality is that i do all the same things.  it's just much more quiet.

i think about them all of the time.  when i wake up, when i go to bed, all throughout the day.  i pray for them.  for their days, for their marriages, for their parenting, for their health and for their safety.

i think that a mother can't help it.

yeah.....it's an odd feeling this empty nest brings.

but it's not truly empty.  not all of the time.

it is fuller.  sometimes to overflowing.

and then quiet again.

someday maybe i will get used to the rhythm of this season.

and in the meantime i will enjoy it.